Those who are OG die-hard fans of Sex And The City would be able to sympathise with my frustration every time Carrie came running back to Mr. Big even though we all could see they were clearly not right for each other. He was emotionally detached and unavailable. He came and went as he pleased. She was never a factor in his decision-making plan. He played hard to get and broke her heart repeatedly. Don’t get me wrong, Carrie too had her own set of flaws. She was selfish, impulsive, confusing, lost, and emotionally manipulative. What these two shared was exhilarating yet excruciating at the same time. What most people don’t realize is that dating a toxic person or being in a toxic relationship is very addictive. When it is good, it is awesome. But when it is bad, it is as bad as it can get. You find yourself crying for hours alone on your bathroom floor and not wanting to leave your bed the next day. One moment you say you are done with it and the next you find yourself asking for more. You came to associate pain with pleasure and the two are mutually exclusive.
Let’s not kid ourselves. I went in with my eyes open. I knew what exactly I was getting myself into. Point blank. None of us is a saint here. This piece is not a blame game but rather an attempt for me in finding solace to my own self-sabotaging pattern. If you are reading this then I hope you are well acquainted enough to know that I have an exhaustive long history of falling for unavailable men. It is like I made it my life mission to unconsciously handpicked only those that are broken, damaged, and commitment phobic then make it a scene when I realized I caught feeling and they were no where near ready to reciprocate. It is a series of unrequited love leaving me feeling empty and depleted.
After 8 months of fun accompanied by agonising pain of wanting to be more than just
friend with someone, I did it. I mustered up enough courage to break my own heart – yet again. How did I do this you may ask? Well, I sat him down (literally cause he insisted on standing), told him not to laugh or said I know, then spurted out the words with my body all trembling from nervousness and fear. I told him I realized I am starting to like you and I think we should stop seeing each other cause I know you are not ready. To which he responded with agreement saying it is not looking good and what I suggested sounds like a good idea. We hugged goodbye and he left. I started sobbing violently as soon as the door was close. I understand in principle that I am making the right decision but the thought of never getting to see him, spend time with him or hold him again was crushing!
Now that it is all said and done, everything is playing out in my head like a silent black-and-white movie from the 30s. I realized I put up with a lot more than I normally did. Is that how it is supposed to be like when you really like someone? You make excuses for them as to why they treat you so horribly. Oh because they were raised to be tough, or because they were so busy or because they just recently got out of a relationship. You overlooked all the red flags. The other person didn’t even try to mask who he was. If anything, he has always been forthcoming that this is who he is. Take it or leave it. But you chose to see what you wanted to see anyway. You put him on pedestal and it all started going downhill from there. You want nothing more but to bask yourself in his presence but the luxury of his time is something you rarely get unless it is for the purpose of pleasure. You knew you wanted more and every time he walked out the door you found yourself wondering if this is the last time you would be seeing each other. At one point, enough is enough.
I certainly do not like this version of me when I am in love. I suddenly turned incredibly stupid. It is like I left my brain at a pawnshop and operated solely based on my emotion. I have never felt more exposed, vulnerable or humiliated as I sat there confessing my feeling. It is like time froze. My internal monologue just went on stupid Neath, stupid Neath, stupid Neath…When will you learn?
At the end of the day, I am glad I let him know how I feel. I regret not one bit of it. I would do it all over again. It would be such a waste to run and hide from my feeling. We are here to enjoy the whole human experience. Yes, all of it!. Heartbroken, crying your eyes out and all. I was brave and that should count for something, right?
A big shout out to my best friend who drove to see me right after I gave him a call sobbing telling him to just come. I didn’t even have to explain myself or give any contexts. 30 minutes later and he was there knocking on my door, watched as I gathered my stuffs then fetched me back to my apartment. What would I do without you, K? Thank you for putting a smile on my face and for always loving me despite the mess that I am. Also a special shout out to my friend who is very far away and still managed to pick up the call and listened to me bawling for a solid 10 minutes before I could compose myself. Thank you S for your kindness, patience and understanding. I wish they all could be like you. Joking! And last but not least, M, for staying up till late listening to my ramble without any judgements and now again sitting there doing your stuff while I am writing this. When I cried and swore I will never ever allow myself to fall in love again, thank you for reminding me that it is not true, that it is not on me – it is just the wrong person that’s what it is. You are right. I didn’t mean it and I will probably find myself falling in love and having my heart broken all over again. I guess we will never know.
I am not a cool girl. I said this before and I will say it again – I am not a cool girl. I am just a softie, harmless, heart-broken girl. I just want to love and be loved just like everyone else. I know my biggest task right now is to not be too hard on my self and learn to find compassion for myself on this journey. My time will come and hopefully one day soon I will be able to look back and laugh at whatever I am going through now.
I am ending this with a poem that really resonates with me right now. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do.