I just had one hell of a week if I do say so myself.
It is funny how a lot has happened but it also seems a lot like nothing is happening.
My probation review will come up soon by the end of this month. I did not have a lot of expectations coming in but somehow I still became deeply disappointed with how it turned out. I sure miss the old good days when I started out 6 years ago as a research executive. I had no standard, no expectation. I was just so happy to learn that whatever they asked me to do, I gladly obliged. But I cannot afford to lower my standard anymore now that I already knew what I am capable of and what I am good at. To put it simply, whatever I am doing at work now, I have already done that since 3 or 4 years ago. I was hoping I would get to do something similar to my previous role with the focus on a mixture of research tactical skill, brand management and commercial strategy. So far, I have only been doing research tactical work. I joked to my friend that now I am just a very expensive moderator. While the money is definitely *chef’s kiss*, I can’t help but feel bad for the company and most of all – my own professional growth. They are paying me a lot of money but don’t really seem to know how to make the best use of my talent. I also learned a very important lesson. That is to always DOUBLE CHECK the budget allocated for my function and how open/flexible the company is with the number before joining. I went from handling a yearly budget of between 600K to 800K per year to practically NONE. While I had hoped to stay at this place for two years, I don’t see myself staying past 6 months. It is not that this place has a toxic environment or anything. I have enjoyed the privilege of working closely and directly with the CEO and the rest of the C suites. I just don’t think this is something that would propel me closer to my long-term goal. I am welcoming a new team member tomorrow. I owe it to her to at least stay until her probation is confirmed because I was the one who recruited her anyway. While this opportunity doesn’t work out for me, maybe it will for her. I owe it to her to stay until she finally settles in then I can make my exit.
Some people have expressed sadness for me. But the thing is, I never regret leaving my previous workplace. NEVER. My time there was up. Even though this new opportunity doesn’t work out for me, it doesn’t mean that what I had was better or right for me. Both opportunities are simply not good fit. Life goes on.
The thing is I have been entertaining the idea of taking a gap year. No more corporate work. Instead, I will just focus on growing my business, learning Chinese & Korean, picking up coding, etc. And I don’t know, just fully rest and recharge? I have been doing a lot of thinking and have came to the conclusion that as much as I enjoy corporate, it would not give me the freedom I yearn for. In fact, it would give me anything and everything else but freedom. So yeah, my plan now is to work for a few more months, onboard my new junior, make sure she is equipped to survive and thrive without me, save enough money and eventually quit!
For now I will just have to push through.
I got tipsy and drove to my ex’s apartment just so I could catch a glimpse of his car. I cried so hard on my way back home. I did not want to get back together or talked to him then. I just really really missed him. I just wanted to make sure that he is doing well. But I had to remind myself that he is a grown adult who can take care of himself and that I had no need to worry. I do not know which one is more painful: seeing his car and realizing that he is still in Cambodia but had not reached out to me or the realization that he will never come back to me. Subconsciously, I think I have always waited for him to come back all these while. Even though I said I am done with romantic love, I said it to console myself because I don’t want to be involve with someone else when he returns. Except that he won’t, this time around he won’t come back. That is a fact that I still have to learn to accept and live with everyday. That he is not coming back. I can wait all I want. For however long. He still won’t come back.
I am not sure if you can love two people at the same time. Do you think it is possible? Maybe the former isn’t love anymore because it is already over but you just haven’t been able to move on yet. But the latter makes you feel safe, like home. Maybe because you both started off as friends. He just gets you, all of you. But hey, wouldn’t it better to not cross the line and mess it up? Wouldn’t it be better to just stay friends so you will always have each other? Wouldn’t it be better this way?
So while I am still healing and feeling very confused altogether, I have decided that the best thing I can do for myself is to just be in solitude.