Waves.

For the most parts, I still don’t get it.

I want to tell you that I still don’t understand why you did what you did.

You said it’s for my own good. You said that one day I will look back and be thankful except that I still don’t. I still don’t understand. I still don’t get it.

Till then,

N.

Day 30: I Made It

I made it. I completed the 30 days journal challenge.

Some days are harder than the others. But showing up is all that matters.

I am starting my new job tomorrow! Trying to hype myself up. I am so excited. I am combating my imposter syndrome by telling myself that they are lucky to have hired someone like me. They are lucky to have me.

Till then,

N.

Day 29: No More Living By Myself

Just when I thought my insomnia couldn’t get any worse, it actually did. I have resorted to taking melatonin every night and even then I wouldn’t be able to sleep till dawn. Last night, I was extremely tired for no particularly good reason but it worked to my advantage because I was able to go to bed around 11PM. The catch is I was awake by 2AM for my toilet break and wasn’t able to go back to bed. So I left for my apartment around 5:30AM to do my final packing. It is done now. All my stuffs are moved back home. My dishwashing rack, my clothing rack, every single little thing. 😦 It is official. It is sad to know that I am not gonna be living alone again for another long while. I need to prioritize my saving goal and family time for now.

I am trying my best to see the silver lining here. Living alone has taught me a lot of things about myself and my boundaries. I now realized I am very sensitive to noise and a bunch more other stuffs. I will probably make a separate post about it. Yes I feel sad but also kind of relief. It is like okay I finally moved back in with my parents now. Everything is settled and back into its place. It gives me less anxiety this way. I can start with a clean slate.

I am officially starting my new job this Thursday. I am excited but also quite content. I will be going to the office for now. HR has shared that the working arrangement now is 50-50 so I am not sure what the shift will look like for me yet.

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 28: The Importance Of Keeping Your Own Words

Today I risked my life going to the mall to pick up a few necessary items and a new pair of pumps for work. Apparently, I was told by the HR a while back that they preferred pump over open-toe heels. I was planning to get only one pair but ended up leaving with TWO pairs of nude pump. Yes. NUDE pumps. The regular Neath would normally opt for black since she is very clumsy and is bound to dirty her shoes rather quickly. But hey she is an adult now, isn’t she? One would think it is high time she learns how to be less clumsy so not to mess with her light color outfits. I watched this YouTube video in which nude color pump is recommended for short people to elongate their legs and give the illusion of being taller. Standing at 4’9, I for sure do need help in that department.

I didn’t feel like walking at all today. But I gave my father my words that I would walk with him, so I did it even though I didn’t feel motivated to walk. After I finished, I felt better partly because of the endorphin but mainly because I did not let myself down. More and more I realized that it is very important to be true to your words. This doesn’t only cover the ones you verbalize out loud to other people but also the ones you make to yourself when no one is listening. Especially the latter. After all, everyone would eventually leave you. Only you would stay with you from the day you are born till the day you die. Would you be with someone who always let yourself down and hold you back? Of course, you wouldn’t. Not being true to your words is a surefire way to cultivate self-hatred.

I am going to miss this daily journal challenge. I will probably still journal everyday but I will migrate this journal format to Notion. 2 more days left.

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 27: Celebrating Small Wins

I slept in today. Didn’t wake up till 12PM. I had a lot of weird dreams last night that I cannot fully remember.

I have been indulging myself with one of my favorite TV shows, Elementary. They took it off Netflix a while back and I only got to watch up until season 5. Lately, I’ve learned of this new pirate site from my friend, and I have been binge watching season 6 since yesterday evening. It is one of those shows that is VERY addictive. And I’ve always loved Sherlock Holmes since my high school days. I am already on episode 11 now. I decided to just enjoy my favorite show today. I also ordered my comfort food: Korean cheese noodle with kimbap. The perfect combo.

I didn’t do any of the things that I would normally deem as productive. But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t do anything. I woke up. I got myself out of bed. I did my skincare routine. I applied sunscreen. I made myself coffee. I did my laundry. I drank 2L of water today. I am learning to celebrate these small wins without internally belittling myself. That reminds me I have to sign up for online therapy. As much as I love my friends and family, I don’t think it is fair for them to play the role of my therapist. I need help. Professional help.

Sometimes you just have to be willing to take the 1st step.

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 26: So Overwhelmed

I deactivated both my IG and Facebook account yesterday. I have spending more time on social media than I would like to. Like an unhealthy considerable amount of time. And the more time I spend on social media, the more anxious and restless I become. I am still adjusting to living with my parents once again.

Since the pandemic, I have became incredibly anxious as a coping mechanism. And my mom, well my mom is a different breed of anxious. Who would blame her? She spent her childhood trying to survive a genocide! She ought to come out with some PTSDs. The thing is she has been projecting her fears onto me. As an only child, it is sort of a given. I would be just as anxious if not even more anxious than she is if I too were to have only one child. I would want to keep her safe and close to me at all time. So not to cause her any worries and to keep both she and my dad safe, I literally have not left the house.

I think the role is slowly reversing as I grow older. I catch myself feeling anxious about my parents’ safety and wellbeing a lot. That sometimes it just paralyzes me. I keep feeling that I am running out of time. That my parents are aging and I should be accomplishing more so that they don’t have to be worried and so that I am equipped to take care of them. It does feel very heavy. I don’t want to think of it as a burden being your parents’ retirement fund but it does feel very heavy. I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about this. As an Asian, it is expected that you have to take care of your parents. They sacrifice their lives to raise you and to give you everything. You have to pay it back…

…but what about me? What about my dream?

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 25: How Did We Get Here?

Exactly 5 months to go before I turn 27.

TWENTY SEVEN. Oh my god! How did we get here? I certainly thought that at 26, I would have already ‘figured my life’ out. But nah, I am far from having my life all figured out. And I probably still won’t have it all figured out next year. Or next next year. Or even for the next decade. As I grow older, the more I realized how irrelevant it is to want to have your life all laid out in front of you. Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating against having a life goal or purpose. If anything, having a life purpose is what is going to make life worth living. What I am trying to convey is we all have our expectation of what and how our lives should look like. And when it didn’t pan out the way we expected it to, we get incredibly upset.

I am a firm believer in when you know better, you do better. So how do you expect that where you are right now with what you know can anticipate and plan what is best for your future self who is supposed to know better and thus can do better than the current you? It is fine to have a life roadmap and know that it will be a product of many different future iterations. My goal largely remains the same but sometimes I have to take a detour or take a break in between. We shouldn’t aim to have our life all figured out because then what is the point of living? Your life’s work is to do exactly that – to live. Not to have everything all figured out.

P.S I watched EP2 of Hospital Playlist 2 without crying today! Yay me!

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 24: Getting Comfortable With The Uncomfortable

Growth is painful. Those who say otherwise are lying to you. Growth is very uncomfortable. And you often cannot see it while you are in the process but you can definitely feel the heat.

I remember feeling so scared and inadequate when I started two years ago as I had to start everything from scratch without ever having seen it done before. I remember feeling so scared of my mentor that all I wanted to do was to hide under the table whenever I saw him. But then it got better. A lot better. I learned many new things. It was a very steep learning curve. And if you knew me and my mentor in real life, then you would laugh at the thought of me being shit scared of him. Because now he is the one person that I can totally be honest with – no shame or judgement. Almost forgot about my colleagues who I had the most fun with. I often refer to them as my source of pain and joy. There is a saying in Khmer which translates to: if you don’t fight each other, then you won’t know each other. And it was quite true for me and some of my former colleagues who now happen to be some of the closest people in my life who truly believe in me and what I am worth.

Even though I am uncertain what the new place will be like, I try to remind myself that it is gonna be okay at the end.

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 23: Counting Down

I am due back to the grind next week.

I think the break has been great so far. I no longer feel as negative as I did the past months. The thought of work doesn’t send me into a panic mode anymore. If anything, now that the date is drawing close, I am getting really excited to finally get back to work.

There are a lot of courses that I want to finish but I think I am running out of time, which is okay anyway. If I wait till I feel fully ready, that day probably will never come. Instead, I can just aim to prepare as much as I can and not worry so much about how it is going to turn out. After all, everything is a learning journey.

Till tomorrow,

N.

Day 22: Reparenting

How old were you when you realize the bulk of adulthood is pretty much about reparenting yourself?

There are no parents (by nature not by circumstances) set out to mess up or harm their children. But there is no set manual when it comes to being a parent. Parents above all else are just human beings with flaw, temper, trauma, past belief, baggage, etc. Just like us, they too are stuck in their own ways. Even with the best intention, parents are bound to fuck up their children a little one way or another. I have came to accept this fact when I was debating internally if I ever wanted children of my own. You cannot raise a perfect child same like how you cannot expect a perfect parent. It doesn’t exist! That is just part of the whole human experience.

There are times when I find myself in really uncomfortable situations that I wish I could just put everything down and cry or to simply just vanish. Gone with the wind. I think we all have been there at that point when we just don’t see the point of being a human anymore. But of course, just like any other types of feeling. It comes and goes. You can’t believe all your thoughts and feelings. Your mind is the best at playing trick with you. After all, there is no one that knows you better than your own mind. But I believe you can still do the inner work to center and calm your mind.

You can no longer blame your parents for raising you a certain way. You are a grown adult now. You have the capability and the capacity to take ownership of your life. Do you wish to be kinder? Do you wish to have more compassion? Do you wish to be more patient? You can! The good news is that you can reparent yourself all the traits that you wish to have. But the first step is you have to stop moaning about it and blaming your parents for already trying the best they knew how. Then identify the traits you want to change and go about changing them. But please don’t forget to be kind to yourself in the process of unlearning and relearning. You can do this!

Till tomorrow,

N.