Downing my glass of wine after a long day at work.
I’ve taken to liking wine a little too much than I already do. Not on the verge of becoming an alcoholic though.
I once read somewhere that you are not supposed to be too hard on yourself when you cry. On autopilot, we tend to beat ourselves up when we do.
“Why are you still crying over this? You know better. You should not cry over spilled milk. You deserve better. You can do better. Stop crying. He is out there living his life and you should too. Do you think he is sitting there crying over you? No he is not. So for the love of god, stop crying. Do not let me down.“
Now does this internal monologue sound familiar to you? I recently read ‘The Wisdom of A Broken Heart’ which is a total classic for anyone that is going through a heartbreak. One of they key insights I take away from the book is to think and treat yourself with grace as if you were with a crying baby. When a baby cries, you pick him/her up. You soothe him/her with so much love without a trace of judgement. And of course, the baby would stop crying after a while. The book advocates for broken hearted souls to treat themselves with compassion when they cry. To just let it all out without holding it against themselves. Just like with anything, the emotion and pain do go away. I mean they are more like waves, they go away and come back. The faster you learn to ride the wave the better.
I seem to be failing at it. I cry at every little thing. At the mention of his name, at the drama we used to watch together, at the food we used to enjoy together – literally everything. I sometimes cry out loud for him hoping that he would appear in front of me. It is also at this point that I realized I reached the point of no return. It is no fun getting over a breakup in the middle of a pandemic when you are isolated, anxious about your family’s safety, caught in one of the busiest season at work. No one has told or prepared me for this intense loneliness that comes as package with adulthood.
It is not always bad. Some days I feel on top of the world. I feel like I’ve got this. Other days, I am wrecked with anxiety that I cannot do anything. I just want to be in bed and sleep. Work used to be an effective platform of distraction. It does not seem to give me the same effect anymore.
Last week, I was trying to fill my void with the usual routine. Once everything was over and as I was getting ready to cry over the emptiness I swear I could feel physically, I received from my childhood friend who is now my colleague. She is getting married! It is monumental because she broke up about a month after I did. We were there for each other. She for me till 3AM in a KTV and I for her till 4:30AM after rounds of KTV that ended at a porridge & siew mai place with us half drunk and half asleep. I was and still am incredibly happy for her. I like being surrounded by people who are in love. It gives me hope that love does exist. I do not what prompted her to give me a call that night because she normally does not call me if not for work. She said to me she wanted to make sure I be the first one to know of her good news considering the things we went through. She told me not to give up and not to settle for less. Both she and I always felt that our professional success scared all these guys away because they are scared to love strong women like us. They are afraid that we would deem their light and that they would never live up to our expectation. She told me when you meet the one, it does not matter. He will support you with your ambitious. He will be able to handle it. You do not have to dim your light to be loved. You can shine as bright as you are and still be loved deeply for who you are. I always believe in guardian angel and that their job is to deliver us the message that we need when we need it most. In that moment, I truly and deeply felt that it was my guardian angel talking to me through my friend.
I did not cry that night. I went to bed with a heart filled with hope.
Yes. You are not here but I AM.