Hello World.

I am back. It has been 2 years since my last post.

Have you missed me? Truthfully, I feel guilty and slightly ashamed that I only show up here during my darkest time. Writing will always be my favorite escape. Writing never fails me when I am at my lowest. Writing always provides me a safe and comforting space for me to be myself, it almost like a mother’s warm hug, ever-so loving.

If you must know, I am not in a great state. From the outside, I seem to be doing okay. I seem to be having everything I could only wished for. I am in my dream job with my dream company, finally doing what I have always wanted to do. I take care of two of the biggest shampoo brands in the world for Cambodia market. I can travel to my favorite places as often as I can. I can support my parents and myself financially. Even though I am still single, I’ve finally established a healthy relationship with myself for once. I do not feel like I am missing out on anything by not being in a relationship. Like genuinely okay by myself.

But somehow I feel like I am wasting my life away. I still have difficulty accepting that despite landing my dream job, I am still utterly unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job. I do not think I ever loved a job this much. But something with the corporate culture that just does not sit well with me anymore. I realized that what I ultimately value is mastery. I want to be damn good at what I do. Heck, scratch that. I want to be best-in-class. I want to build strong brands that will be loved and worshiped with a mass (almost cult-like) followings, long after I am gone. I want to build brands that will stand the test of time. They say to be a successful marketer, you need to be both a scientist and an artist – analytical and creative. After all, what is the point of building a very creative marketing campaign when it does not generate sales? You cannot build a strong brand if no one is buying it. Still, I want to focus more of my energy and attention on being the artist, which sadly is something that I cannot do in my current role.

To cope, I have been consoling myself that I am paying my dues and such feeling would not last forever. Where have I gone wrong? It has been bugging me so much that I am not happy. It almost as if I am torturing myself even more by trying to find the reason behind my unhappiness. I have so many things to be grateful for. Like countless blessings and privileges to be thankful for and yet I am still so unhappy. Sometimes I get so scared that in a classic twisted-fate event, the universe will take away some of my blessings just to teach me a lesson of how good I had it.

Is it because I have been conditioned my whole life to always be dreaming of the next big thing that I do not

I am so tired of having to edit myself. I do not want to censor myself. I want to live my life without caring about what others think. I cannot recognize my own voice anymore. I want to find my voice again. I miss her. Somewhere along the way, she learned that being herself was not good enough so she resorted to self-rejection until she lost her voice. Is there a place in this big world for her to be herself? Will her own voice be good enough? Will she be loved for who she is?

But before we could answer that…Maybe we can start first by trying to answer the question of

…………

who is she?